We never thought we would be writing you this letter. It pains us to say what must be said—we need to break up.
We would like to thank you for the fond memories that we have shared over the years. Many afternoon siestas have been taken within your hallowed walls, and you’ve faithfully served us for every last-minute weekend getaway these past few years. The late nights we spent beside the campfire, and beneath the stars, will always hold a special place in our heart. You’ve done your best to keep us happy, but your best is no longer good enough. We’ve had a great run, but we’re on to bigger and better adventures. We’ll forever treasure the memories that we shared.
It’s with a heavy heart that we confess the novelty of sleeping on the ground has worn off… as for the knots in our back, not so much. As much as we like the idea of being one with nature, we certainly never felt a burning desire to be one with the anthill we accidentally pitched you upon last weekend. In all honesty, we’ve been unhappy for a while now. The hassle of your high maintenance set-up was once endearing, but it’s come to be the bane of our existence. Don’t even get us started on our hatred for the breakdown process. We still haven’t fully recovered from that time we slipped a disc pulling one of your blasted stakes out of the ground.
You’ve always boasted that you’re a 4-person tent, but squeezing just two people inside of your walls is a sad game of sardines. Not to mention our eternal struggle with that damn rain fly that you’re unhealthily attached to. (For the love of Pete’s sake, which way is the front with that thing??) Your valiant effort to shelter us in a freak rainstorm was just that—merely an effort. Our soaked sleeping bags are proof enough that this relationship is doomed. We understand that these struggles come with the territory of being in a relationship with a tent. It’s not fair for us to expect the impossible from you, and for that reason, we feel it’s best we go our separate ways.
You may hear some talk around town about our new relationship with car camping. We know that it seems like we moved on quickly from this breakup, but we can assure you that we’re in no way replacing you. Car camping offers us the safety, comfort, and convenience that we so desperately desire.
Please do not let this new relationship detract from ours. We are not blaming you in any way. It’s not your fault that you offer exactly zero protection against bears, and even less when it comes to climate control. Parting ways now is the best thing for both of us. We still have our happy memories from the past, but need to concentrate on car camping to keep a positive outlook on the future.
We want you to know we wish you the very best. We hope that you find someone who treats you as you deserve to be treated. Someone who is willing to forgo sleeping in when you make no effort to block the blinding sun in the wee hours of the morning, and can look past the fact that you haven’t cleaned up after yourself in years.
Goodbye and farewell.
Your former adventure buddy
P.S. We’re sorry for the time we forgot to stake you down and the wind blew you into that creek.